One of Those Nights

If love is blind, I must have been very blind.

I hate how irrational feelings are.
How my mind and heart are always in conflict.
How my prayers seem void.
How I deceive myself.

I feel stupid. He doesn’t even know.

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I find it strange that some people are actually envious of me… Or rather my life… Perhaps they haven’t seen the tears shed in exchange. And those haunting thoughts, voices telling you you’re not good enough.

It’s so convincing sometimes, it drives me crazy. For I have every reason to believe so.

In times like this, I choose to listen to the word of God and know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. To be still, and know that He is God.

It has been an incredible 4 days at the Operating Theatre, a-once-in-a-lifetime privilege.

@ the Recovery Room

It was my first time seeing with my naked eyes and touching a baby conceived just minutes ago (via Caesarean), with his fingers still sticking together. =) It was pure joy just looking at him. =)))

In front of the baby was a woman in her late 20s, who just had a Caesarean. I hate seeing patients lying stranded on the bed with no one around, totally powerless and unsure of the next intervention. There she was, just given birth, and alone staring up the ceiling. =( So I went up to her and we talked, I was surprised how easily we engaged each other! =) She went on to tell me that her pregnancy had to be induced due to her baby’s heart condition and he had to be sent to the ICU at once. Tears swelled up her eyes when she told me that. =( And we went on to talk about lighter stuff… Thankfully we had many things in common =)

@ the Operating Theatre

I’m overjoyed to even enter an OT, I mean how was I to know that a childhood fantasy could actually come true?! It had once seemed so surreal, so far-fetched and unattainable. It makes me believe that I can dream of anything and it can be possible.

I had the privilege to witness
1) Stripping of varicose veins 
2) Laproscopy + gallbladder removal
3) Bladder cystoscopy + biopsy
4) Removal of breast tumours
5) Removal of cysts on face and hand
6) Rectal hemorrhoid
7) Hemithyroidectomy (Removal of thyroid)
8) Below-knee amputation (BKA)
9) Termination of pregnancy (a.k.a abortion)

It was an awakening of some unknown senses when I looked at the insides of our body. Beautiful organs. Beautiful creation of God. I’m overwhelmed. =’’)

~~~

A Touching Operation

This morning, before the start of an operation, a nurse announced to all that this patient had Hepatitis B. I was especially touched by the surgical team when I saw their unwavering commitment and determination to operate on him regardless. I’m sure they’d do the likewise even if a patient has HIV or other blood diseases.

As an outsider witnessing the op, it finally hit me why people always view medical professionals as being “heroic”, because at that moment, I saw them in the same light too. Now I understand, and I am very proud of how doctors and nurses would go all out, at the expense of themselves, to save someone. =’’’)

That scenario was what every student should see for themselves, to not only be inspired, but to grasp the impact we can actually make in doing the seemingly ‘mundane’ stuff. Sometimes, it’s too easy to despise the little things we do for patients…

~~~

A Disturbing Operation

In my previous post, before the start of clinicals, I mentioned that I hope to have the chance to see an amputation op, and I was very happy that it was granted. =) It wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it to be, no intimidating machines and big saws.  -_-

I shall keep the details of the procedures censored for the sake of people with wild imagination like me. The worst part of the op was not the sight of it but the sound produced when the _____ is being ____. For someone with a low tolerance to awful sound, I had to act unpro and cover my ears with my hands, in an attempt to muffle it.

When this _____ doctor saw it, she said “It is not going to explode you know.” At that moment, I was too distracted to care, so I “duh-ed + *roll eyes*” in my mind and dismissed her comment. Later I realised it was just stupid lame sarcasm which was totally redundant. One reason why I like Gregory House is because his sarcasm actually makes sense and sound intelligent.

I could still take trivial matters like that, it just reflects the kind of mind you have. The most disturbing thing however, was when a nurse asked if I wanted it “medium-rare or cooked”. I was utterly speechless and offended. How can anyone make light and disrespect a body part? I mean a HUMAN body part.

Would you say the same if that patient is your loved ones? Dammit. Talk about patient’s dignity. I could have spoken up for the patient, but I did nothing… In the limiting mindset of a student.

~~~

A Sad Operation

This morning I had a chance to witness 2 abortion ops. It was a disheartening moment to see girls around my age having to go through that. I feel especially for them since I had a nightmare in Year 1 Sem 1 of me discovering that I was pregnant and having to go for abortion (due to the fetus I saw in our Anatomy Museum. Argh.)

The dream was so real and vivid, I woke up from it panting and trying to make sense/reality out of it as I lay on my bed. In my dream, I remember being so traumatised and helpless, and seeing the future I was working towards crashing right before me. I remember I didn’t believe it actually happened to me, surely it was another girl’s life story. Not mine.

As I witnessed the op process, I felt sad in my heart. It’s a kind of sad I don’t normally feel.  It’s scary how a mere moment of folly, of losing one’s rationality can leave one with a lifetime of regret. This is totally not worth the price of instant gratifications.

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I had a nightmare again last night, and I woke up from it at 3am. It was related to my clinicals. I was so scared… =( Sigh……

Does Aileen deserve a good celebration for the official completion of Year 2  two weeks later? =)

 

The In Side

It’s 2:15am now. My energy level has surged sky-high recently, it gets a little inappropriate at times. I don’t know if people actually get irritated by it, when it gets me chirpy, high and all. Then again, I can draw my curtain right before you, and we can feel a thousand miles apart - in an instant, if I wish.

I’m now tearing to Joshua Bell’s “Ladies in Lavender” on the violin. I never really like the violin, it’s as if my brain’s vibrating and hair’s fizzing up. If you can imagine… And whoever came up with the brilliant idea of that awkward playing position?

This piece, however, touches something in my heart. There are some emotions which are so remote, they go beyond comprehensive words. It is when music comes in play, with the power to draw them out. 

There’s probably a part of us we never know about… For I often find myself surprising myself.

MIA and Back

Wow, I didn’t even realise how long I haven’t blogged. Time passed so quickly, I’m already at my 4th week of clinicals. It’s amazing. =) The faster the merrier, I wanna have my holidays like the rest of the NUS people.

And now I don’t know where to begin… 

Maybe from the most recent?

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Dad’s Birthday

@ Prima Towers Revolving Restaurant @ Keppel Road

                 

*Hmmmm…. What shall I order…*

                  

*AHHH headache!!!*

                      

The staircase where me and Bro used to play on when we were kids. We loved running up and down and walking on the elevated red step at the side =)))

As the name suggests, the whole restaurant actually revolves, bringing us scenes of the PSA, Mount Faber and Sentosa. As if to celebrate my Dad’s birthday, there were fireworks from Sentosa at the moment our view was directly in front of it. =)))

It was a memorable moment for us. =)

                             

                 

We then made our way to the Resort World @ Sentosa for a look! It was our first time there after the official opening, so it was quite an eye-opener. We are planning to go back for “Air Supply” concert on 20th June! Dad first introduced this oldie band to us when we were 13 or 14. =)

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Semester Results

It was just average with Bs and Cs, at least I improved, and that’s something to be happy about. =)) I don’t really place grades above all, so with this lack of motivation and attitude, I don’t expect a lot out of it.

There’re other things I place more value in of which I demand more out of myself…

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Asia Conference

Since clinicals, I haven’t been going to church regularly due to time clashes and to be able to back for Asia Conference, experiencing the presence and love of God so mightily, was such an overwhelming experience for me. Something I won’t trade anything for.

                 

Happy to sit with Alice!!! =))) We knew each other in secondary school and grew up in church together, so we’ve seen many sides of each other! =Pp

                  

Sunday sunrise over the expressway to EXPO for orchestra cum choir performance. It was my privilege to be able to perform in the presence of many great leaders and broadcasted to millions around the world. Sometimes I feel I don’t deserve it, but thank God =))

                

Choir getting their hair and makeup done, looking good =)))

             

                                                            

                

                

On the finale night with my best friends of a decade =))) Despite all.

It was an awesome 3 days of being refreshed spiritually, emotionally, physically and psychologically. Best of all, it is smacked in the middle of my clinicals when I most needed it =)))

However, a day after the end of AC, news broke forth that our church is involved in some monetary issues. It is actually the hottest topic in the media right now. Actually I’m quite nonchalant about it in the objective point of view, like what’s new?

However, it saddens me too and I actually can’t bring myself to read the news reports. I didn’t read the previous news involving my conductor and his wife too. For I know too well that local news are often so well garnished, you can’t taste the main ingredient.

Whatever it is, I know I won’t be the person I am now if I hadn’t set foot into it a decade ago. I remember sitting alone in my first service there, being scared and all cos I couldn’t contact my bestie. I actually cried.  -_- I remember me as a girl, with nothing much in my hands, no dreams to work towards, and still figuring out this new phase of life as a young teenager.

But since that first service, I have never left my church and it was the best decision I’ve made in my whole life to know God and be led by Him. Never did I know that God has so much in store for me. Though I haven’t done a lot or have come very far, where I am now is something I could never imagine myself at a decade ago.

And I wanna thank my church leaders for guiding me through my spiritual walk with God, for their consistent boldness and faith in God, for always encouraging us to pray and love God even more than yesterday.